Woof: Superman v Batman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

Batman_v_Superman_poster

Now before beginning this review, I just want to point out the following:

  1. I am not in the employ of Marvel, Disney or any competing organization against DC Comics or its affiliations.
  2. I am a huge fan of Batman, and actually wanted to like this movie.  Even after all the bad reviews came out, I thought, “Hell this cannot be that bad, right?”

Superman v Batman: Dawn of Justice, is quite possibly one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen…and I’ve seen Larry Clark’s Kids.

The movie is so hamfisted that its a miracle that there is any movie here to be disseminated.  For those who do not know, this movie (which has its roots back to the freaking 1990s) is about Batman going up against Superman.  Basically due to the events of the last movie (The Man of Steel, which I have not seen), Batman (Ben Affleck) gets pissed at Superman (Henry Cavil) for destroying Metropolis and believes he is a threat to the world.  While everybody has to deal with Superman being on earth, Mark Zuckerber-oops, I mean Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenburg), plots a plan for Superman and Batman to kill each other.  At best, this is the plot, and at worse this is the plot.  Then Wonder Women (Gal Godot, probably the best part of this movie) gets in and they have to defeat Lex Luthor and then the Justice League gets created and blah blah blah.  Basically the plot exists so it gets to the final fight between Batman and Superman, which at least is somewhat entertaining.

There are a ton of things wrong with this movie, but perhaps the worst is the way that there is no tension in the story.  At no point do we ever think that Superman or Batman will not accomplish their mission and defeat the bad guy.  For comic book movies 101, the audience at least has to be excited, and this movie is just dull.  Think about other bad comic book movies like Batman and Robin, Daredevil, or others.  At least they are somewhat entertaining even if they suck.

Another main problem are the performances.  While Ben Affleck is perhaps the dullest Batman to to wear the Bat Cowl, that’s nothing compared to how bad Henry Cavill is.  Henry Cavill has all the charisma as a plank of wood, and that is insulting to planks of wood.  Even talented actors like Amy Adams, Laurence Fishburne, and Holly Hunter, are completely wasted in their roles.  But the worst, the absolute worst is Jesse Eisenburg.  Lex Luthor is supposed to be this evil genius who at least can charm the pants off you, but instead he ends up acting like a Silicon Valley douch-bro.  In fact, the should have just called the character Lex Luthor-berg, because obviously they are trying to make him like the inventor of the facebook.  The only one to come out of this relatively unscathed is Gal Gadot as Wonder Women, and it makes me want to see her solo in a movie.  Hell, I’ll even take an Affleck solo Batman film as long as he does not have to act around Henry Cavill again.

Watching Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will make comic book fans everywhere long for the days of Christopher Reeve, Christopher Nolan, and others who left a mark on these beloved creations.  In fact, I cannot believe I am going to say this, but here it goes: You are better off watching Superman IV or Batman & Robin.  At least in that regard you will be somewhat entertained.

Fun Fact: No, screw this movie.  This movie is not fun at all.  Okay, it was filmed in Detroit, so its nice to see Detroit represented in all of its glory.

Final review: 0 out of 4 stars.

 

 

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