Boobs and Dick Jokes: Baywatch (2017)

For this review, I just wanted to write Boobs and Dick Jokes and have it be done, but that is not fair to the five people who read this site, but for you my dear readings, I’m going to do my best to write a full review of the remake of this movie.

As a kid, my Dad and I always spent Saturday afternoons at 4 pm on the WB (Detroit, MI) watching the glory that was Baywatch.  Between the ladies with big boobs and tight bathing suits and David Hasselhoff’s slow motion, the show was an amazing product of the 1990s.  That it had one of the greatest corniest theme songs and ridiculous plot points (Drug Dealers are on the beach! A plane has gone down! A Portuguese Man o War is terrorizing the beach!) made the show a great corny masterpiece.  However, the movie tries to do to much in the laugh department instead of playing it completely straight.

The Rock is Mitch, the head lifeguard at Baywatch.  After teaming up with cock-sure rookie Zac Efron, busty tight-chested Alexandria Daddario (who you may know as the person who went full au-naturale in True Detective), and others, Mitch has to find out who is dealing drugs on the beach and save Baywatch.

Honestly, this plot point has a lot of premise but the problem is that they try to make it a straight plot point with action sequences.  They needed to go ridiculously over-the-top.  I want my sharks!  I want my Portuguese Man-o-War, shit I even want my “Holy shit, Pirate Ghost!” plot point!  The problem is you can’t keep it grounded, you gotta commit and make it silly.  That isn’t to say the movie isn’t funny, there are dick jokes a plenty and big boobs, but you can’t just coast on that.  There has to be further points to the plot.  I mean, I love movies like Porky’sAnimal House, and Sorority Babes at the Slime Ball Bowl-O-Rama, but damn, at least those movies had plot and story.  This is not a movie that is terribly bad, it certainly is worth a watch, but it does need to be more.  Also, needs more Hoff.  Way more Hoff.

Final rating: 2 out of 4 stars.

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